I am ready to fail gracefully.

When I grow up, I would like to…

When I was a little girl I wanted to become a wild woman, living in the trees and growing my own vegetables. I soon realised that was not really achievable in our modern world and I then decided I wanted to work in the film industry as an actress or a director. As I grew up all I could hear was that there was no job in this sector and that competition was so high I should probably think of doing something else. I didn’t know what being unemployed really meant but by listening to people it sounded dreadful.

Follow the already-made-for-you path

I therefore decided not to pursue this impossible dream and from that point onwards I made very conscious decisions to follow the path that — in appearance — was the most successful one and would guaranty me a job and a good life. I passed a scientific A-levels with distinction — when my strong points were history, English, Spanish and literature; I then went on a 2 year intensive course called “prépa” and finally came first of my Master specialised in HR from a prestigious French business school. I got the job I expected to have — a graduate programme in the UK — well paid, highly regarded and with a key focus on my continuous development.

The path had been well thought, perfectly executed with no room for failure or mistakes. I was a successful and talented executive.

Know yourself and you can change the world

And then a few things happen. Not like big light bulb moments but in more subtle ways. First, I went through many development programmes thanks to my job which helped me develop my self-awareness and understand much better who I am. One of the best tools that helped me is the enneagramme theory which would categorise me as a “number 3” or the so-called “achiever” who assimilate success with love. This means that the more successful I am, the more I think people will love me. That’s why I am a risk-averse person and only take on challenges I know I can succeed in while avoiding failure as much as I can. This is also why I multiply my activities and diversify my successes.

This self-discovery journey led me to start questioning whether the life decisions I was making were the consequence of me willing to please what I thought society — and my family, friends — expected of me or whether it was me, Marianne, making these decisions because I truly wanted this.

Embrace failing as a learning

Then I attended two amazing workshops: one on clowning and the other one on how to manage your inner critic. These workshops opened my eyes on what failure is all about and how we can learn and grow through failing. They also taught me to be kind to myself and to be kind towards others. Stop being this successful demanding individual and start becoming this loving open young woman.

I remember the clowning course started with us telling each other “I give you permission to be wonderful and I give you permission to be completely rubbish.” This simple sentence freed me up from carrying the burden of being constantly successful. As a clown, if you want to connect with the audience and perform really well, you have to fail. It’s a given. And instead of failing and hiding straight away, you have to fail gracefully. Enjoy the failure, make it yours, adapt yourself to it, embrace it, share it with the audience, make it become part of you, learn from it and move on. What a lesson that had been for me since!

The inner critic workshop helped me reconnecting with my inner child and listen to that little voice who has always wanted to do something different. It may sound a bit like a crazy workshop — and believe me it was — but once again it opened my eyes a bit more on who I really am.

Get inspired by others

Finally, I had one big light bulb moment in February 2015 when doing the MOOC “becoming a social entrepreneur”, co-created by HEC and Ticket for change: I then realised that yes it is possible to make the world a better place and yes I can be one of the change agents for this to happen! Start small but start somewhere. I have since met amazing people along the way who have inspired me to be the person I want to be, to follow my dreams and to believe we can change the world. These people challenged me, my way of thinking, my lifestyle and they have helped me along the way to reach that moment where I have made the brave decision of changing everything and start a new adventure.

It is about time

I am now ready to fail gracefully; I owe this to the little girl I was once. I am not going to become a wild woman — even if I am starting to grow my own vegetables! — but I am going to try to become a filmmaker. Or a writer. Or an event planner. Or a balloon pilot. Or an adventurer. Or something else.

Actually, what I am about to become is not what is important. What I want to focus on is keep learning while enjoying what I am doing. I am ready to take that risk because what’s the worst that can happen? As someone said to me one day “the worst thing that can happen is that it actually works!” (FR: Au pire, ca marche !).

Wish me good luck!

Text written on 24th May 2016 on a train from London to Bristol.